“Love has already won.
Fear is just being a sore loser.”
These are the exact words I heard yesterday while laying under the enormous pine trees in my favorite nearby park. I was trying to watch the rainy clouds float across the sky through my tear filled eyes. Moments earlier, I was t home sitting at my desk staring at my book on Amazon for the first time. I wasn’t prepared for the emotions I would feel once it was official. In fact, I was nowhere near prepared for the amount of fear, insecurity, and self beat up that accompanied my supposed glory moment. It was as if all of my fears had sat behind a mental wall just waiting for the perfect time to jump out and torment me. Up until that moment, I was beginning to think that those fears no longer existed. Oh but they are there alright. And the downward spiral I took upon their onslaught found me jumping up from my desk, finding my iPod, and walking to the park to somehow make sense of what I was thinking:
“The book isn’t perfect; there are mistakes all throughout it.” “No one is going to like it, it doesn’t make any sense.” “The introduction is too long; I’ve lost my audience within the first few pages.” “Who am I to write a book? I’m not important enough.” “What if I wrote something wrong? What if I wrote something that offends someone? What if it isn’t good enough? What if I’ve let the angels down? What if I’ve let myself down? What am I doing?”
This is the psychotic nature of fear. To you, I am sure none of the above statements make sense. But to the parts of me that still remain unhealed, they unfortunately made perfect sense. I found a lonely spot at the park, sat down on the moist grass, and began to pray. I breathed in and out deeply and allowed the emotions to surface and the tears to fall until they faded away. I understood that these fears were the result of my past that still remains wounded-The little girl inside of me who feels misunderstood, unheard, and unimportant. The teenager within me who feels abandoned, judged, and unworthy of anyone’s love. The young single mother who is still on her knees begging for God's approval. Yes, these wounds still arise after all of this time, and after all of my attempts to heal them completely. They still arise in times of big changes and leaps of faith. Once I realized where all of these fears were coming from, I knew what to do.
I listened to the small voice inside of me who was afraid of being judged and comforted her. I reassured the lost and lonely parts of myself. I reminded myself of the times I have felt God’s love, and the unbelievably strong supportive friends and loved ones who surround me today. I wondered as I gave myself the love I felt I was lacking, if it would always be like this. Do some wounds really heal or do we just get better at understanding and having compassion for ourselves? I decided it didn’t matter. The truth is that there are parts of me who are still scared and they cry for love when the fear gets to be too much. I’ve learned how to love myself during these times.
I laid down looking up to the sky, feeling better but very raw and vulnerable. Still breathing deeply, I closed my eyes and listened to the sweet familiar voice that was making it’s way through my ears and into my beating heart. “You’ve already done it, sweetheart. The book is done. It’s out there. Love has already won. Fear is just being a sore looser.”
“Thank you, angels,” I heard myself whisper back.
As a soft smile began to curl upon my face, an instrumental version of “Let it Be” began play through my ear buds. I silently sang along, “let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Whispering words of wisdom let it be.”
Our fears do not come out to torment us. I am clear that they rise to be healed, to be loved, to be understood. For me, I just have to continue knowing who I am and Whos’ I am. I have to stay aware of who walks by my side. Love has already won. It’s just a matter of believing.
I am clear.