It's My Birthday and I'm Not Sorry

Years ago, I was sitting at a table with a group of women when I announced "When I am 40, I will have the best body I've ever had." The blank stares prompted me to follow up by saying, "Well just look at Madonna and Demi Moore, so many women look better as they age."

One woman took a long sip of her cola and said with as much understanding as she could muster, "Well of course they look like that, they have private chefs and personal trainers show up at their homes. It's easier for them. It's unrealistic for us." 

I felt discouraged by her answer... that is until I realized it was her excuse and not my reality. And then I got to work.

Looking my best at 40 meant more to me than a surface deep beauty. I wanted to look good energetically too! I wanted to let go of the ugliness in my mind like obsessive worries, self doubt, and unresolved resentments. I wanted to let go of ugliness in my heart like past grievances, heartaches, and wounds. (All of that ugliness really can show up physically on your body and your face.) I wanted to explore being a dedicated lover to myself. I didn't want to let myself down anymore. I wanted to develop a self trust that had been broken by putting so many other peoples needs before mine and not standing up for my needs when I had the chance. I wanted to know how to honor my body's requirements to eat well, exercise, and be happy. It meant that I was going to have to do the work, rise above the excuses, and address my own fears of being a sexy middle aged woman. 

Yes, I have fears about looking good. Because whenever I shine, I risk being judged by other women and objectified by men. I risk not looking "spiritual" or worse, not taken seriously. It means that I might come across as self absorbed and a bad mother because I refuse to sport the "mom bod."

However...

It's my birthday today and I am celebrating 41. Today, I choose to be single. I make my own money. I raise my own kids and I work my fucking ass off. I also play- a lot! I've made it my life's mission to be a light in this world by inspiring other women to live their truth by following their joy and I aspire to be a mentor for those who are also being called into a mystical union with God. How can I execute this mission if I cannot take the steps myself? So, for me this is what it looks like: I'm a wise, connected, deep, sexy ass woman who lives a co-created magical life. I'm not going to apologize for where my years of dedication, self development, healing, and holy union has led me. While I admittedly have regrets that have helped me to develop a deep sense of humility, compassion, and empathy, there are certain things I cannot be sorry about. Raising the beauty bar means that I allow myself to stand unapologetically as the woman I am today.

Therefore...

I'm not sorry if I have offended anyone with my forgiveness. Regardless of our current circumstances, you should know that I gave it over to God a long time ago. You're not a big deal to me anymore.

I'm not sorry to any man who has lost me. I'm not sorry for the way I loved you. I am not sorry for the woman I was while in your arms and I will never apologize for the lessons we learned together and after we parted ways. 

I'm not sorry to any former friend who couldn't handle me during my worst times. My life has been messy and if you aren't with me now, it's for the best and I honor your journey.

I'm not sorry if you don't understand me. I live in my own beautiful world that I worked very hard to create and it's good here. There are no walls, but there are pretty tight boundaries. I don't give myself away anymore and I am not sorry if you have been disappointed by expecting I would.

I'm not sorry for my sexy legs, strong arms, and tight abs. I celebrate what my body can do every day by being joyfully active and this is the result. 

I'm not sorry for my ridiculously grandiose smile, it's the sexiest curve on my body and it is put there by my Creator who gives me something to smile about every single day.

A year into my forties, I can honestly say that not only do I have the best body I've ever had, I have the best mind I've ever had. I have the best connection to my Creator that I've ever had. How I currently live is a result of falling in love with my life and I fall in love with my life more and more with each step I take towards healing it. In the wise words of Elsie de Wolfe, "I am going to make everything around me beautiful- that will be my life." Today I raise my glass to those of you who also live unapologetically to your highest standards and who have decided to rise above the ugliness of inauthenticity and negativity. Cheers to those of us who are brave enough to look our wounds straight in the face and do whatever it takes to heal so that our light can shine through. Shine on my loves. You deserve every bit of sparkle you have fought for. Wherever you are on your journey, I bow to you, I honor you, and I am cheering you on from the sidelines. Don't give up. Don't give in. Continue to create the beautiful life you are destined to live. 

Music that may or may not have inspired this post:
Human Nature (I'm not sorry)- Madonna
Unapologetic Bitch- Madonna 
Photo credit: Sir Anthony Photography