Get Mad!

Anger is probably one of the most misjudged emotions in our society.  If I wrote an article on ways we avoid anger, it would easily become a novel! However, what I’ve learned is that anger, when used correctly, can actually serve as a vehicle to move us forward in our lives and make changes we would not normally do.  I always tell my clients, “I can clean the hell out of my house and do the dishes like a boss when I’m angry!”  Putting that emotion to work allows me to get things done, and hey, I end up with a clean house!

Sometimes when we are afraid to express our anger, we become passive aggressive.  This is when we show anger in ways that hurt other people but are so under the radar that we can't be blamed.  Besides becoming abusive, passive aggression is one of the most toxic ways to deal with anger. 

Expressing your anger towards another person in a healthy way means that you can stay centered, and that you are clear, direct, and to the point without belittling them, name calling, or engaging in any other verbal abuse. Hinting at how you feel and hoping the other person gets the hint never works.  This is a guarantee that your you'll always feel ignored and misunderstood.  Instead of hinting, you have to clearly communicate your feelings. 

Your self esteem and confidence increase whenever you successfully take a stand for your feelings. This doesn't mean that you're aggressively pronouncing judgments over others. It means that you uphold everyone's rights: yours and those of the other people involved and say what you need to say with grace, love, and firmness. 

The biggest piece of advice I can give regarding powerful emotions such as anger is to just accept them.  Anger is usually expressed negatively when we are in resistance to it- when we are trying to reject, judge, or deny it.  Anger, like all emotions is a part of our human existence.  Everyone has felt anger as a human being. By accepting it as you would accept any other emotion, you let yourself off the hook so to speak and your acceptance keeps you centered.  Resistance creates chaos and pain. I was angry for months after my divorce.  Had I tried to resist the normal feelings that arose, I would have stayed stuck, unhappy, and would have most likely engaged in some very unhealthy habits in order to stuff those feelings down.  Instead, I let myself just be angry until I had processed through the anger and was able to move onto the next step of healing and grief. My healing occurred when I was able to just accept myself no matter what I was feeling, and I began to trust myself with heavy emotions like anger knowing that I would not abuse others. 

Research shows that unexpressed anger can damage your health, contributing to a range of health conditions.  Here are some steps to take to harness that anger so that you can think more clearly and use it for your benefit.  

1.       Take a step back.  Take note of how your react to anger.  Do you pretend it’s not there? Do you start negative self talk and judge yourself for your feelings? Notice your resistance. Do you rush to make peace or do you fly off the handle knowing you can apologize for it later? Raise your awareness in the moments you become angry and observe what goes on inside of your mind.  This self awareness is the key to learning what to do next.

2.       Know when to walk away from a situation that has you boiling.  Nothing productive occurs when you feel out of control, and extreme hostile exchanges hurt your health and everyone involved.

3.       Use the anger to plan your next steps then set your plan aside to visit when you’re cooled off.  You may find that the steps you ultimately planned while you were really hot differ from the ones you’d like to make when you’re cooled down, but notice the fuel you now have to make positive changes in your life.

4.       Don’t explode, but do express.  Sometimes anger can give you the much needed courage to finally say what you’ve wanted to say.  Or it may be the driving force that gets you to truly go for a goal you’ve been to afraid to go after.  When anger is expressed in non abusive ways, it can very quickly and dynamically lead you to a better place than you were had you stuffed it down and ignored it.  Go ahead and get angry! As long as you have a healthy destination in mind, let it carry you there with all of the passion, zeal, and determination it holds. 

For more information about my coaching, visit my website at www.clarityistheway.com- Crystal Doty