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Friday, April 29, 2016

Love Has Won

“Love has already won.
Fear is just being a sore loser.”

These are the exact words I heard yesterday while laying under the enormous pine trees in my favorite nearby park. I was trying to watch the rainy clouds float across the sky through my tear filled eyes. Moments earlier, I was t home sitting at my desk staring at my book on Amazon for the first time. I wasn’t prepared for the emotions I would feel once it was official. In fact, I was nowhere near prepared for the amount of fear, insecurity, and self beat up that accompanied my supposed glory moment. It was as if all of my fears had sat behind a mental wall just waiting for the perfect time to jump out and torment me. Up until that moment, I was beginning to think that those fears no longer existed. Oh but they are there alright. And the downward spiral I took upon their onslaught found me jumping up from my desk, finding my iPod, and walking to the park to somehow make sense of what I was thinking:

“The book isn’t perfect; there are mistakes all throughout it.” “No one is going to like it, it doesn’t make any sense.” “The introduction is too long; I’ve lost my audience within the first few pages.” “Who am I to write a book? I’m not important enough.” “What if I wrote something wrong? What if I wrote something that offends someone? What if it isn’t good enough? What if I’ve let the angels down? What if I’ve let myself down? What am I doing?”

This is the psychotic nature of fear. To you, I am sure none of the above statements make sense. But to the parts of me that still remain unhealed, they unfortunately made perfect sense. I found a lonely spot at the park, sat down on the moist grass, and began to pray. I breathed in and out deeply and allowed the emotions to surface and the tears to fall until they faded away. I understood that these fears were the result of my past that still remains wounded-The little girl inside of me who feels misunderstood, unheard, and unimportant. The teenager within me who feels abandoned, judged, and unworthy of anyone’s love. The young single mother who is still on her knees begging for God's approval. Yes, these wounds still arise after all of this time, and after all of my attempts to heal them completely. They still arise in times of big changes and leaps of faith. Once I realized where all of these fears were coming from, I knew what to do.

I listened to the small voice inside of me who was afraid of being judged and comforted her. I reassured the lost and lonely parts of myself. I reminded myself of the times I have felt God’s love, and the unbelievably strong supportive friends and loved ones who surround me today. I wondered as I gave myself the love I felt I was lacking, if it would always be like this. Do some wounds really heal or do we just get better at understanding and having compassion for ourselves? I decided it didn’t matter. The truth is that there are parts of me who are still scared and they cry for love when the fear gets to be too much. I’ve learned how to love myself during these times.

I laid down looking up to the sky, feeling better but very raw and vulnerable. Still breathing deeply, I closed my eyes and listened to the sweet familiar voice that was making it’s way through my ears and into my beating heart. “You’ve already done it, sweetheart. The book is done. It’s out there. Love has already won. Fear is just being a sore looser.”

“Thank you, angels,” I heard myself whisper back.

As a soft smile began to curl upon my face, an instrumental version of “Let it Be” began play through my ear buds. I silently sang along, “let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Whispering words of wisdom let it be.”

Our fears do not come out to torment us. I am clear that they rise to be healed, to be loved, to be understood. For me, I just have to continue knowing who I am and Whos’ I am. I have to stay aware of who walks by my side. Love has already won. It’s just a matter of believing.

I am clear.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Why I Did It

I did it.

Three words I’ve been waiting 6 months to say! I can’t believe I did it, but I did it! I wrote a book and published it!!! If I can be perfectly honest with you, seeing the package on my doorstep today was something I’ll remember for the rest of my life. And the feeling of carefully and reverently opening the package- as if there was a tiny sleeping baby inside- is a moment that will live in my heart forever. This has been a process that has changed me in ways I hope to relay to you in my upcoming blogs.

Speaking of blogging, I can’t wait to get back to it! I loved writing my Motivational Monday’s last year. To tell you the truth, I probably needed those blogs more than anyone. The winter was hard for me. I suffer with seasonal depression and really don’t do well in the cold darkness of winter. Getting up in the mornings was hard, but the motivational tips really helped me. This is just one of many reasons we have been working to move to Southern California. Now, as the sun has returned and spring has blossomed here in Utah, I feel my creative juices and cheerful energy return. Getting back to the grid and connecting to you is a pleasure that I look forward to.

Lately, I’ve felt a softening come over me when it comes to my writing, you may see a difference in my upcoming blogs. My second book (that I’m starting next month) will have a very feminine tone to it and so my writing will most likely reflect that. I’ll be picking a phrase such as “My world is a beautiful, safe place to live” and write about how implementing that mantra into your life is beneficial. I will include more personal stories and experiences and focus on connecting and having fun with you. It’s going to be great!

I’d really like to share a tender moment that happened after the initial excitement of holding my own book. I was sitting in my car and it was raining. I began to have a heartfelt conversation with the Archangels. I was telling them that I really hope I did a good job representing them in the book. I began to feel a little nervous about the content, and prayed that it was good enough. I find it interesting that throughout this whole process I have not been 100% clear on exactly why I wanted to write it. I had the idea in the middle of the night back in November. I immediately took action with the idea and it became my baby for the next 6 months. But my “why” hasn’t been a factor until today when I realized I had no idea why I did this. I didn’t write it to make money, or to become famous. I didn’t write it to preach my opinion on angels or any sort of dogma. I sat there dumbfounded that my reasoning was so hazy and in the confusion, insecurities and anxieties began to creep in.

Then all of the sudden my thoughts turned into memories. The past 20 years of wondering if they existed, searching for myself, for answers. The many times I felt touched by their presence, moments where their wings literally lifted me out of a certain hell. Memories flashed through my mind of times when I needed them and they were there- the holy moments of their undeniable presence guiding me, comforting me, nudging me to be better, stronger, and to open my heart. Moments of healing, letting go, growing, forgiving...they have always been there. Within this moment of remembrance, I felt tears begin to stream down my face, matching the rain outside and my “why” suddenly became crystal clear. I love the angels. I love them so much! Writing a book and spreading their wisdom and love to the world is only a small fraction of how I could possibly repay them for what they done for me. I wrote this book simply and sweetly because I love them. Love is my “why” and that is why I know you will be touched by the book. I know that somewhere inside of the pages, there will be a sentence, a paragraph, or maybe a chapter that will touch you because that is what love does.

May my love and devotion for the angels carry you through the pages of my book. May it carry my book far and wide. And may we all strive to know the angels, accept them into our lives, and be more like them. This is the world I am here to help create.

I am clear.

Stay tuned for my next blog coming soon!