Getting Unstuck

The most common theme I see within my clients is the feeling of being stuck.  I hear stories of how they are stuck in unhealthy relationships, stuck feeling alone, stuck in a dead end job, stuck when it comes to their purpose, stuck and can’t take a step towards their dreams. Within the stories, I hear their excuses, their fears, and their shame.  I feel their hopelessness, and the dread that comes from feeling there is nowhere for them to go.  All the while, I am receiving insight and visions of their potential and endless possibilities for them. This is the dichotomy I find myself in while working with clients, seeing their story, vs. understanding the truth.

The truth is that no one is ever stuck. The feeling of stuck is actually resistance to moving forward. I’ve come to know that life is ever flowing. Time flows forward, and we are in it as if we were in a flowing river. There is no such thing as being stuck in this river, you are either going with the flow moving forward, or you are struggling to resist the flow. When you feel stuck, you have created a situation to where you are so fearful of moving forward that you literally turn to face upstream, not seeing the way forward, and you begin to resist the current. The unknown future is looming, and you refuse to see anything other than where you’ve been and perhaps the discomfort of being beat down by the relentless flow. It can be painful to be in resistance, and often times people blame the river.  They say, “life is so harsh! I’m getting my ass kicked over here! Nothing is working out! I’m so stuck!”  And because we are unconsciously dead set on not moving forward, we work harder to swim back upstream where at least it’s familiar, but the thing is that the flow is so strong that we can’t ever get “back there.” “Back there” is gone, all we have is where we are, and where we are going. It is tiring to resist the flow and yes, it makes you feel stuck.

When I am working with someone who is telling me their story about how they are stuck, I literally see them in the river, facing backwards, struggling to swim in an opposite direction than where the flow is trying to take them. In doing so, they are unaware of the possibilities that lay before them, their back is turned and they are so focused on the discomfort from resisting life that it’s all consuming.  My job is to look forward for them and tell them it’s alright. It’s as if I’m telling them to just pick up their feet, turn in the direction of the flow, and paddle forward. It’s my job to continue to believe that they are not truly stuck, I can’t buy into their limited story while I’m receiving information that tells me how unlimited they are. Often times I ask them, “What would you be doing right now if you weren’t stuck?” "What are you so afraid of?" Or I’ll ask them to start dreaming again.  Fear cuts off your imagination and if we can’t even dream about what life would look like out of the immobility, than how can we possibly be open to creative solutions?

Most fears that create resistance to moving forward are unconscious. There are too many to cover in one blog, but here are common ones.

Unconscious fear of failure and/or success.  How can you have both of these fears? It happens.  Running opposing fears is like running two different loud CD’s in the same room.  Even if one of them made sense, you wouldn’t be able to hear it clearly. This creates a static inside of your head that makes you feel crazy, dark, and cut off from any sort of guidance.  A lot of people have fears of failure because they fear humiliation. AND they have the fear of being successful because they fear abandonment. They think it will be lonely at the top.  How do you feel about being a failure or obtaining success?

Fear of the unseen. They may be unclear about what the step after the first step is. Sometimes the first step into any endeavor is scary because we have no idea what will happen after we take it so we hang onto where we are, and even create chaos or drama to keep us there so that we “can’t” take the step.  What kinds of dramas or distractions have you created to keep you away from the unseen?

Fear of change. Moving out of the “stuckness” or resistance requires change.  It requires that you discontinue resisting where you are.  Imagine the energy and effort it takes to be in resistance.  Resistance to the flow may simply be a judgment you have against yourself, someone else, or the situation at hand. You can’t get out of debt if you are so busy shaming yourself for your spending habits.  You can’t be open to receiving guidance on how to remove yourself safely from an abusive situation if you are too busy beating yourself up for staying in it. You can’t focus on your health if you are too busy feeling guilty about what you ate last night.  All of that stuff is up the river.  All of those things, you can flow out of once you are willing to make a change.  How do you feel about change?

How to move forward.

The first step: Turn around. What have you been focusing on? Are you looking back upstream into the past? Are your eyes closed? Are you focused on how much it hurts to feel stuck? Then turn around. Remove your focus from the pain and the problem.  Get out of saying “should” or “shouldn’t.” Stop beating yourself up, stop beating other people up, stop judging the situation. The reason you feel stuck is because you are in so much resistance to what is actually going on, who people really are, and who you really are. Unless you shift your focus away from the problem and the pain, you will never be able to focus downstream where the solutions are.

The second step: Put your feet up. A good way of knowing if you’re going with the flow is the feeling of relief.  Putting your feet up means that you have accepted where you are.  It takes a lot of work to try to swim back up stream.  It takes a lot of effort to not move forward. Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re okay with everything. It’s okay if you’re not okay with where you are, the good news is that as you stop the denial and judgment, you will allow the flow to carry you forward and out of where you are. This is when you begin to think “outside of the box.” This is when all the great new insights happen.  Your best ideas come from when you are ready for them… when you have shifted your focus from the problem to acceptance.

The third step:  Paddle.  Follow through on your ideas. Prioritize. Take massive action.  Take a risk. Start doing the work required to get you where you want to be. Here’s a suggestion as you are finally taking action--Be very selective about who you confide in as you take the steps forward. Because our society seems to glorify and support being stuck, be careful who you let into your new plans.  Make sure they are people who understand taking risks, creative solutions, and who will support you in change. Trust your gut. When you are out of the negativity zone, and you’ve shifted your focus from the problem to being courageously open to possibilities, your gut will kick in. Everyone has gut level intuition when they are out of the fear zone. Don’t be afraid to trust how you feel and what you innately know about you, your situation, and the people around you.

And remember that clarity is powerful! You can create a life of ease and grace when you make powerful decisions based on clarity!

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